Childproof Bottle

Lots of things have silly names.  Like childproof bottles.  Don't believe me?  After reading my little anecdote about an inventor's modest proposal, you'll agree.  Enjoy!

            “Thank you all for coming to this presentation of my invention, the Childproof Bottle.  I hope by the end of this pitch, you all will see the merits of investing in this spectacular product.  I believe the Childproof Bottle will better the lives of many individuals in developed countries, as well as permanently alter the offerings of pharmaceutical companies.  Safety and longevity are two of humankind’s goals in life; my invention ensures both.

            ‘What does the Childproof Bottle do?’ you may ask.  It is a cutting edge method for preventing you from having children.  You can start the applause now…

            …Or not.  Let me tell you why people would want this, in case you haven’t figured it out already.  Most adults say they love kids.  They’re lying.  No sane person loves to have a squirming, misbehaving, undeveloped human crawling around his or her house.  We get exterminators for things like that.  Of course, that would be inhumane and illegal.  Instead, what if you could just be prevented from having the kid in the first place?  That’s what the Childproof Bottle does.  It saves you stress, fatigue, and most importantly, money.  It’s the workingman’s dream.”

            “How does it work?”

            “Thank you for your question.  I’ve prepared three simple slides explaining just that.  These pictures are so straightforward that they don’t even need words to explain them.”

            “Oh my!”

            “Huh?”

            “Ooh!”

            “Wouldn’t that hurt?”

            “Not at all.  Totally painless.  I’ve even tested it on myself.  ‘Does it work?’ you may ask.  Perfectly.  Do you see me complaining about unruly children at home?  No.  Because I don’t have any.  And that’s the way it’ll stay, thanks to the Childproof Bottle.  The best part about it?  It’s permanent, so no slip-ups or mistakes.  Ever.

            Well, gentlemen, what do you say?  Will you purchase the patent to this world-changing invention?  Trust me, you won’t regret it.”

            “We know you talked about the longevity, but whose longevity were you talking about?  The adults’, now that they don’t have to worry about kids, or the human species’, since there won’t be any offspring?”

            “Both!  It will help everyone!”

            “Well in that case…No.  Get out of our sight, you sick inventor, if you can even call yourself that.  You make us nauseous.”

            “Wait!  I have an invention that causes nausea.  It’s called the Side Effect Pill.”