Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Epithelial Epithets

Everyone has feelings.  Even aliens.  So before you converse with any extraterrestrials and accidentally insult one of them, please read this complete and official list of potentially harmful terminology.  I'm not only concerned about the aliens' self-esteem; I also want to protect Earth from being invaded.  You've been warned.

Official statement from the Office of Alien Affairs (OOAA):

OOAA is committed to your safety while dealing with extraterrestrials.  As part of our mission, we are issuing the following list of epithelial epithets that you should not use while dealing with an alien species.  We repeat:  Do not use any of the below phrases when you encounter an alien species.  They will invade our home world without hesitation.  We have also included a description of what these offenses refer to in order to heighten your knowledge about alien culture and anatomy.
Remember the five (5) de’s:  Demeaning, Debasing, Degrading, Devaluing, and Defacing.  Alien racial slurs are demeaning, debasing, and degrading to their recipient.  Using them is devaluing to your communication with an extraterrestrial, resulting in our planet’s defacing.  If you find yourself tempted to use one of the below insults, remember these simple words, and you’ll be back on track for living a peaceful coexistence with aliens.
Thank you from all of us at OOAA.

Purple Pinwheel – This particularly hateful phrase refers to the Jovians’ oddly shaped ears.  They are envious of other species’ hearing mechanisms, so using this phrase can anger a Jupiterian to the point of violence.

Metallic Maggot – The Uranian young are in fact maggots.  They live life in the larval stage until what humans would refer to as the “teen years,” and while in this later portion of their maggot stage, they take on a shiny tint.  These “teenagers” will become easily angry over any aspect of their appearance, including their silvery sheen, which will disappear after they go through “puberty.”

Fuchsia Fingers – The residents of the Andromeda Galaxy have lengthy digits that take on a purple tone when intoxicated.  And of course, when intoxicated, they are more prone to rage over such an insult.

Twinkle Eyes – We do not understand how this one is an insult.  OOAA suspects that the Plutonians it refers to are just overly sensitive.

Iron Hide – This epithet suggests the Martians’ thick skin and bully attitude.  Calling them this will only heighten their aggressiveness.

Curly Toes – You should see the Orion Nebula aliens’ feet!  They’re crazy!  Such weird—oh, right.  Never, ever use this insult around one of these extraterrestrials.  We’ll leave it at that.

Child Swallower – Another fact, but a fact of which the Saturnians don’t like to be reminded.  So don’t remind them.  OOAA and the people of Earth beg of you.  Please.

Buttocks Buttocks – The residents of Venus have rears that look like rears.  While this is not something humans would balk at, for the aliens whose rumps resemble nicer body parts, like feet or spleens, they find the Venusians’ bums repulsive.  So while you might not understand the degradation behind this slur, it does not make it okay to use it.

Helter Skelter – A rock band two millennia ago called The Beatles, named after an insect that thrived during that era, once invaded a country called the United States.  Then they invaded Jupiter’s moon Io.  When this moon’s dwellers hear this phrase, which The Beatles often yelled during their attack, they are reminded of the loss of their traditional culture.  Do not let these aliens be demeaned again.

Pink Breath – The Mercurians have what humans refer to as synesthesia.  Therefore, when one of their companions has “smelly” breath, they “see” it as the color pink.  It doesn’t make any sense to us either, but trust us and don’t call them this name.

End Transmission

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