Inanity

This short script is my take on absurdist fiction.  I'm pretty sure it's both absurd and fictional, so I think I succeeded.  Have fun reading!  (Tip:  reading it out loud might help.)

Jerry:  Look at us.

Ted:  Who are you talking to?

Jerry:  You.

Ted:  Oh, good.  For a second there I thought you were talking to me.

Jerry:  I am talking to you!

Ted:  Sheesh.  No need to get all worked up about it.  Now what were you going to say?

Jerry:  Look at us.

Ted:  No, I believe you already said that.  What were you going to say?

Jerry:  How could I possibly know what I’m going to say?  I can’t predict the future.

Ted:  Can you predict the past?

Jerry:  Sometimes.  It’s very mentally challenging.

Ted:  Agreed.

Jerry:  No, I don’t think you can use the word “greed” that way.

Ted:  Did I make a grammatical wrong turn?

Jerry:  Right.  It should go left.

Ted:  So greed can only turn left?

Jerry:  Right.

Ted:  Agreed.

Jerry:  Wrong again.

Ted:  My mistake.  It won’t happen again.

Jerry:  That’s what they all say.

Ted:  I’ve never met him.

Jerry:  You should.  Nice guy.  Gets carried away sometimes.

Ted:  Kidnappers?

Jerry:  No, he’s an adult.  He doesn’t nap anymore.

Ted:  But he used to?

Jerry:  Of course.  But he only took naps on knaps with knapsacks.

Ted:  Complicated.

Jerry:  He’s a complex person.

Ted:  Someone has to be.

Jerry:  So why not him?

Ted:  Because he made poor choices growing up.

Jerry:  That seems to happen to the best of us.

Ted:  I haven’t met him either.

Jerry:  Neither have I.  Rumor has it he’s a little conceited.

Ted:  Arrogant?

Jerry:  Worse.  His ego’s blowing up.

Ted:  That’s dangerous.  Innocent people could get hurt.

Jerry:  It’s all right.  They have a stunt team.

Ted:  Professionals?

Jerry:  Not yet.

Ted:  Will they be certified soon?

Jerry:  It depends.

Ted:  On what?

Jerry:  On what you mean by soon.

Ted:  The near future.

Jerry:  Then no.  The future’s too far away.

Ted:  How far?

Jerry:  About fifteen miles.

Ted:  I only know metric.

Jerry:  I’m sorry.

Ted:  I’m nauseous.

Jerry:  Again?

Ted:  It sure seems to happen a lot.

Jerry:  That can be dangerous to your health.

Ted:  So can an uncertified stunt team.

Jerry:  But they’re very good.

Ted:  Which doesn’t change the fact that they don’t have licenses.

Jerry:  That hasn’t stopped anyone before.

Ted:  True, but it’s still not legal.

Jerry:  Illegal?

Ted:  No the bird’s perfectly fine.

Jerry:  But isn’t it endangered?
Ted:  That seems to engender doubt.

Jerry:  Being endangered engenders?

Ted:  Only on Fridays.

Jerry:  Good, that’s my favorite day.

Ted:  Mine’s Tuesday.

Jerry:  Any reason why?

Ted:  I always thought two should be rewarded.

Jerry:  It is pretty spectacular.

Ted:  It’s the best.

Jerry:  What’s the worst?

Ted:  When everything else is better than you.

Jerry:  I know that.

Ted:  Then why’d you ask?

Jerry:  That’s not what I meant.

Ted:  Than you should enunciate more clearly.

Jerry:  Redundant.

Ted:  Don’t call me that.

Jerry:  Then what should I call you?

Ted:  Ted.

Jerry:  Jerry.

Ted:  Well met.