Mission Day
1: This is Captain Rollins of the starship
Venture. This is just a test of
the captain’s log system. Seems to
be working. I hope I haven’t
wasted your time by making this entry.
But don’t worry, there are plenty more hours of me talking to come. So hang in there. And we’ll try to do the same here, up
in empty bowels of space.
Mission Day
2: I just realized I forgot my
toothbrush at home. I wanted to
turn around and pick it up, but the rest of the crew would not allow it. If I end up with bad breath, they are
the only ones to blame. My
halitosis, their loss.
Mission Day
17: Today we had some mechanical
difficulties. The chief engineer
reported that the main left thruster was no longer functioning. I asked him if that was a major
issue. He never answered my
question. How am I supposed to
know? I’m only the captain. It turns out there was a wrench in the system. The resident monkey had thrown its wrench
and it got lodged in the thrusting mechanism. I knew bringing that chimp on board was bad news. Luckily it was an easy fix, and our
ship is back in working order.
Mission Day
30: We are now passing the outer
reaches of our solar system. Pluto
came orbiting up to us like a lost puppy.
Apparently it wants us to readopt it as a planet. Not happening.
Mission Day
32: Pluto’s still following
us. Well this is unnerving.
Mission Day
45: It’s dark out here. If you had a fear of the dark, this
would not be the place for you.
Also if you had a fear of empty spaces. Or silence. You
know, I’m not liking the sound of space anymore. Too bad I’m stuck here.
Mission Day
51: We threw a birthday party
today for Admiral Haynes. When we
left Earth we planned for this birthday, so we brought cake from home. Unfortunately, it didn’t last. So we had astronaut ice cream
instead. I had forgotten how
disgusting it is. When they do
training for going into space, they shouldn’t do zero-g simulations; they
should train us to develop immunity to the horrid tastes of astronaut ice
cream.
Mission Day
60: There was an attempted mutiny
on the starship today. Fortunately
my bridge crew and I were able to quell the uprising without much difficulty. The mutineers were apparently upset
over the radio station I play over the ship’s intercom systems. So what if I like some old fashioned
Backstreet Boys? I shouldn’t be
overthrown for that. Wait, my first
officer is telling me something. I
should be forcibly removed for listening to them? Okay, I see your point. I concede. No matter
my musical tastes, the ship is back in order.
Mission Day
84: Not much has happened over the
past three weeks. We are still
slowly making our way to the next galaxy.
Well, we’re moving fairly quickly, but things are just so far apart out
here. Whose idea was that? It makes commuting much more difficult.
Mission Day
100: We reached the 100th
day. This is a very important
milestone. I don’t really know
why; it’s just a number. Must be a
morale thing. We’re still stuck up
in space for the rest of the year, so I don’t know what there is to get excited
about.
Mission Day
124: It has been 124 days since I
last had a donut. That is all.
Mission Day
192: The ship’s navigator Mr.
Woodfield claims he saw an alien craft in the distance. I told him I just saw the Lochness
monster. He didn’t think that was
very funny. I did. There is no way there are aliens out here. And if there are, the chances of our
paths intersecting is borderline zero.
I ordered Mr. Woodfield to cease reading those trashy science fiction
short stories.
Mission Day
241: We have observed numerous
planets and stars in this new galaxy.
Nothing that exciting; they look like any ordinary planet or star. Mr. Woodfield is still babbling about
that alien craft. This time he claims
it’s trailing behind us. Following
us. Absurd.
Mission Day 262: Today we had rehydrated spinach and
steak for dinner. It was
surprisingly tasty. That, or I’ve
lost sensitivity in all my taste buds.
I’m not sure which reason I’d prefer.
Mission Day
287: We’re beginning the last leg
of our journey, looping back around to Earth. I must say, I have seen more wondrous things than could fill
a lifetime: black holes, dark
matter, brown dwarfs. Wait, you
can’t see any of those? Oh. Still, this has been quite the
experience. I am very proud that I
could captain the starship Venture on its maiden voyage. Maybe the fleet will allow me to
captain the ship again on its married voyage.
Mission Day
315: I’m getting Earthsick. I can’t wait to feel real gravity
again, to feel that constant pressure pulling me down to the ground. Though I will miss being trapped in a
metal vessel with my crew. See
what I did there? That was
sarcasm.
Mission Day 333: Okay, this time I believe Mr.
Woodfield. I saw the alien
spaceship, too. Has it been
following us this whole time?
Maybe they’re friendly. I
suppose if they were hostile they could have killed us a long time ago. Unless they’re waiting for us to lead
them back to Earth, and we’re setting our own world in a trap. That would suck. And that’s an understatement. I’m going to continue our path home but
attempt to contact the extraterrestrials as we travel.
Mission Day
340: Still no contact. Maybe their cell phones are dead.
Mission day
347: Less than twenty days
left. I can almost smell Earth’s
pollution from here. That’s
disgusting. Oh, you want to know
about the aliens? Well, so do I,
so be patient.
Mission Day
359: No contact with the ship
following us. And they are still
trailing behind us. I think we
have no choice but to return home and hope that they don’t have any dastardly
deeds planned.
Mission Day
364: Our penultimate day in space. But I think you knew that. Nothing else to report. Earth is in sight.
Mission Day
365: We are preparing for landing
maneuvers. The alien craft is
still on our tail…Commencing landing procedures…We have landed. We have successfully completed our
space voyage. Congratulations to
the crew on a job well done. I
guess the alien ship was just using the same route as us. That’s likely, right? I mean, if I learned one thing from
these travels, it’s that space isn’t that big.
~~~
Mission Day
2,456: This is the captain of the
starship from the planet Ra’gemüt.
We are still stuck going in circles. A stray alien spacecraft overlapped our path for some time,
but they have returned home.
Unfortunately, with only a right thruster, we can only move in
circles. If only that monkey’s
wrench hadn’t gotten lodged in the engine.
Days 51 & 124 hahahaha
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