Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Mission Log

Sometimes, when the problems here on Earth seem overwhelming, it helps to take a step back and evaluate how serious it really is.  Or a giant leap back in this case, and take a look at the issues happening in space.

Mission Day 1:  This is Captain Rollins of the starship Venture.  This is just a test of the captain’s log system.  Seems to be working.  I hope I haven’t wasted your time by making this entry.  But don’t worry, there are plenty more hours of me talking to come.  So hang in there.  And we’ll try to do the same here, up in empty bowels of space.

Mission Day 2:  I just realized I forgot my toothbrush at home.  I wanted to turn around and pick it up, but the rest of the crew would not allow it.  If I end up with bad breath, they are the only ones to blame.  My halitosis, their loss.

Mission Day 17:  Today we had some mechanical difficulties.  The chief engineer reported that the main left thruster was no longer functioning.  I asked him if that was a major issue.  He never answered my question.  How am I supposed to know?  I’m only the captain.  It turns out there was a wrench in the system.  The resident monkey had thrown its wrench and it got lodged in the thrusting mechanism.  I knew bringing that chimp on board was bad news.  Luckily it was an easy fix, and our ship is back in working order.

Mission Day 30:  We are now passing the outer reaches of our solar system.  Pluto came orbiting up to us like a lost puppy.  Apparently it wants us to readopt it as a planet.  Not happening.

Mission Day 32:  Pluto’s still following us.  Well this is unnerving.

Mission Day 45:  It’s dark out here.  If you had a fear of the dark, this would not be the place for you.  Also if you had a fear of empty spaces.  Or silence.  You know, I’m not liking the sound of space anymore.  Too bad I’m stuck here.

Mission Day 51:  We threw a birthday party today for Admiral Haynes.  When we left Earth we planned for this birthday, so we brought cake from home.  Unfortunately, it didn’t last.  So we had astronaut ice cream instead.  I had forgotten how disgusting it is.  When they do training for going into space, they shouldn’t do zero-g simulations; they should train us to develop immunity to the horrid tastes of astronaut ice cream.

Mission Day 60:  There was an attempted mutiny on the starship today.  Fortunately my bridge crew and I were able to quell the uprising without much difficulty.  The mutineers were apparently upset over the radio station I play over the ship’s intercom systems.  So what if I like some old fashioned Backstreet Boys?  I shouldn’t be overthrown for that.  Wait, my first officer is telling me something.  I should be forcibly removed for listening to them?  Okay, I see your point.  I concede.  No matter my musical tastes, the ship is back in order.

Mission Day 84:  Not much has happened over the past three weeks.  We are still slowly making our way to the next galaxy.  Well, we’re moving fairly quickly, but things are just so far apart out here.  Whose idea was that?  It makes commuting much more difficult.

Mission Day 100:  We reached the 100th day.  This is a very important milestone.  I don’t really know why; it’s just a number.  Must be a morale thing.  We’re still stuck up in space for the rest of the year, so I don’t know what there is to get excited about.

Mission Day 124:  It has been 124 days since I last had a donut.  That is all.

Mission Day 192:  The ship’s navigator Mr. Woodfield claims he saw an alien craft in the distance.  I told him I just saw the Lochness monster.  He didn’t think that was very funny.  I did.  There is no way there are aliens out here.  And if there are, the chances of our paths intersecting is borderline zero.  I ordered Mr. Woodfield to cease reading those trashy science fiction short stories.

Mission Day 241:  We have observed numerous planets and stars in this new galaxy.  Nothing that exciting; they look like any ordinary planet or star.  Mr. Woodfield is still babbling about that alien craft.  This time he claims it’s trailing behind us.  Following us.  Absurd.

Mission Day 262:  Today we had rehydrated spinach and steak for dinner.  It was surprisingly tasty.  That, or I’ve lost sensitivity in all my taste buds.  I’m not sure which reason I’d prefer.

Mission Day 287:  We’re beginning the last leg of our journey, looping back around to Earth.  I must say, I have seen more wondrous things than could fill a lifetime:  black holes, dark matter, brown dwarfs.  Wait, you can’t see any of those?  Oh.  Still, this has been quite the experience.  I am very proud that I could captain the starship Venture on its maiden voyage.  Maybe the fleet will allow me to captain the ship again on its married voyage.

Mission Day 315:  I’m getting Earthsick.  I can’t wait to feel real gravity again, to feel that constant pressure pulling me down to the ground.  Though I will miss being trapped in a metal vessel with my crew.  See what I did there?  That was sarcasm.

Mission Day 333:  Okay, this time I believe Mr. Woodfield.  I saw the alien spaceship, too.  Has it been following us this whole time?  Maybe they’re friendly.  I suppose if they were hostile they could have killed us a long time ago.  Unless they’re waiting for us to lead them back to Earth, and we’re setting our own world in a trap.  That would suck.  And that’s an understatement.  I’m going to continue our path home but attempt to contact the extraterrestrials as we travel.

Mission Day 340:  Still no contact.  Maybe their cell phones are dead.

Mission day 347:  Less than twenty days left.  I can almost smell Earth’s pollution from here.  That’s disgusting.  Oh, you want to know about the aliens?  Well, so do I, so be patient.

Mission Day 359:  No contact with the ship following us.  And they are still trailing behind us.  I think we have no choice but to return home and hope that they don’t have any dastardly deeds planned.

Mission Day 364:  Our penultimate day in space.  But I think you knew that.  Nothing else to report.  Earth is in sight.

Mission Day 365:  We are preparing for landing maneuvers.  The alien craft is still on our tail…Commencing landing procedures…We have landed.  We have successfully completed our space voyage.  Congratulations to the crew on a job well done.  I guess the alien ship was just using the same route as us.  That’s likely, right?  I mean, if I learned one thing from these travels, it’s that space isn’t that big.


Mission Day 2,456:  This is the captain of the starship from the planet Ra’gemüt.  We are still stuck going in circles.  A stray alien spacecraft overlapped our path for some time, but they have returned home.  Unfortunately, with only a right thruster, we can only move in circles.  If only that monkey’s wrench hadn’t gotten lodged in the engine.

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