Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Idioms Anonymous

I enjoy playing with language, as I'm sure my faithful readers have been able to tell.  This short script is the reverse:  it lets language itself play.  Enjoy the post, and I hope you never use these phrases the same way again!

Time:  Hello all.  Welcome to this week’s Idioms Anonymous meeting.  I see some new faces, so for those of you who are here for the first time, I extend an extra special welcome.  We have a lot of fun here, so time really flies.

Gorilla:  Time!  You have to watch yourself.

Time:  Right.  Thanks, Gorilla.  I get so carried away sometimes that I just want to take flight.

Gorilla:  You’re slipping, Time.

Time:  I’m sorry.  It’s just been one of those stressful weeks.  I’ll be more conscious of my chronic flying problem from now on.  Gorilla, why don’t you tell us about the progress you made this week.

Gorilla:  Sure thing.  Well, I’ve been getting to the gym more, not because I think I need to slim down, but because I know it will get me in better shape.  I’ve been working a lot on boosting my self-esteem.  After thousands of people call you fat every day, it takes a lot of work to raise your self-image.

Time:  Tell us how you accomplished that, Gorilla.

Gorilla:  Well, I started by doing some research.  Did you know that there’s no such thing as an 800-pound gorilla?  They’re never larger than 500 pounds.  So people were simply lying to me.  Once I realized that, I worked on regaining my appetite.  Boy, it was nice to eat without thinking about every last calorie!

Time:  It seems like you’ve made some great progress, Gorilla.  Just be careful not to have too much fun, or I might have to take wing and—

Molehill:  Not again!

Time:  I’m really having a bad relapse.  I apologize to all of you for my lack of self-control today.  Molehill, why don’t you go next?

Molehill:  Certainly.  My problem’s also about size.  Except it’s the opposite of Gorilla’s issue.  See, people are always trying to make me bigger, but the fact is I’m already huge.  As big as a mountain, if you will.  So adding any more molehills to me is beating a dead horse.  No offense to the dead horse.

Horse:  None taken.

Molehill:  I’m proud of being an unnecessarily and excessively large molehill.  Unfortunately, the rest of the world doesn’t see me for who I truly am.

Time:  How have you dealt with this lack of acceptance?

Molehill:  At first I only made the problem larger than it really was.  I would stay up every night, thinking about my size.  Needless to say, it wasn’t healthy.

Gorilla:  I can agree with that.

Molehill:  Then one day, it clicked.  I realized I was bigger than everyone else, so why should I listen to the puny inhabitants of the world?

Lamb:  So you became a bully?

Molehill:  Only someone as meek as you would think ignoring people’s insults qualifies as bullying.  No, I learned not to put weight on people’s incorrect opinions.

Lamb:  But they’re opinions.  How can they be incorrect?

Molehill:  No one asked you.  Now go hide in a hole.

Time:  Enough of that!  Let’s move on, shall we?  Duck, how is solving your issue coming along?

Duck:  For those of you who don’t know, people always assume I’m sitting all the time.

Gorilla:  Well, you’re sitting now.

Duck:  Shut up!

Time:  Noow that we’ve invalidated Duck’s problems, let’s hear from Elephant.

Elephant:  It’s not going so well.

Time:  Tell us more about it, Elephant.

Elephant:  For starters, I haven’t even left this room since last week’s meeting.

Time:  Why not?

Elephant:  My title requires me to be in the room.  Look at my business card.  Here Molehill, take it.

Molehill:  Mr. Elephant.  In the room.  That’s not even a job description!

Elephant:  Excuse me, it just so happens to be my line of work.

Time:  But Elephant, we’re trying to help you realize that it’s not your job to occupy empty rooms on the off chance that someone will walk in and need you.  If someone wants you, they will ask.  And don’t worry; they’ll want to be with you.

Elephant:  You think so?

Time:  I really do.

Elephant:  Aw, thanks.

Time:  That’s what we’re here for at Idioms Anonymous.  Who’s left?

Bird:  I am!

Time:  Oh, a newcomer!  Welcome!

Bird:  Thanks.  Hi, everyone.  My name is Bird, and I have a problem.

Horse:  Hi, Bird.

Bird:  OK, that’s really creepy.  Dead animals shouldn’t be talking.  Anyway, I live in a bush, so all the other birds assume I’m not as successful as my brother, who lives in a hand.

Gorilla:  He lives in a hand?

Bird:  Yes, he’s very small.  They say insulting things to me, like, “I’m rubber and you are dim.  Two of you equal one of him!”

Gorilla:  That doesn’t even make sense.

Bird:  That’s the worst part!

Time:  I have to agree with Gorilla on this one.  I mean, you’re living in a nice bush, while he’s somehow housed in a hand.  Don’t go adding on to Molehill over there.

Bird:  That’s what my mother told me.  But she’s wrong.  Now you’re just beating a dead horse.

Horse:  Enough of that already!

Time:  I think you’re lucky.  Remember not to count your chickens before they hatch.

Bird:  Are you calling me a chicken?  I’m a hawk!  Lamb is the chicken!

Lamb:  That’s not very nice.

Elephant:  I think I’ve found a reason to leave this room.

Time:  No, you can’t go yet!  We’re not done here.  You can’t just fly away like that!  Fly away.  Oh man, I really want to fly right now.

Gorilla:  Be strong, Time!

Time:  I’m trying, I’m trying!  It’s just…so…hard!

Gorilla:  Well there he goes.  Flying away from his problems.  And ours.

Elephant:  Now what?

Duck:  We could all just sit here.

Gorilla:  Hm.

Elephant:  Could work.

Molehill:  Actually, that’s the best idea so far.

Bird:  Meeting adjourned?

Gorilla:  Yes.  Meeting adjourned.

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