Tuesday, May 8, 2012

A Treatise on Obesity

Every generation faces a strong enemy.  What is ours?  Obesity.  Read on to learn about my solution.

            Our nation is fighting an enemy that does not sleep.  It is an enemy worse than the aliens who have threatened our fair country for the past century.  For unlike the extraterrestrial threat, we cannot touch this new villain.  But it can, and does, touch us.  What is this horrendous menace?  Obesity.
            Day by day, obesity crawls into our beds to suck our blood, leaving unwanted fat in its stead.  During our waking hours, obesity sneaks up behind us as we’re walking, trips us, points and laughs as we fall, then makes us fat.  There is no time or place where we are immune to obesity.  We are obesity, and obesity is us.
            Life has not always been this way.  We did not always have to tell our children to run to school before the obesity monster catches them.  No, just a few years back were simpler times.  We could play outside without fear of catching obesity and coming down with a bad case of fat.  Exercise was feasible because we did not have to constantly watch over our shoulder for fear that obesity would plunge a steely knife into our liver.  Sadly, these activities are no longer possible.  They are simply not safe.
            For the past five years or so, experts have warned us of the impending epidemic.  But the populace turned a cold stomach to their caveats.  Then it was too late.  Obesity struck like lightning, quickly spread between individuals like a rash from poison ivy, and invaded our lives like the first televisions.  We no longer should be worrying about the flu; our full attention should be on obesity.
            What are the symptoms?  How do you know if you’re getting obese?  I will tell you.  As a disclaimer, I have not actually suffered from this malady, but I have performed countless hours of field study and observation.  After the obesity infects you, a strange swelling begins to occur.  But you should not worry about this; it recedes after a few days.  Then you get fat.  Lethargy and other side effects commonly found with any prescription medicine may accompany the malady.  Beyond that, the long-term effects are unknown.  But I for one do not want to wait to find out.
            Unfortunately, obesity is running rampant, and it’s on the inside lane.  Our leading medical researchers have created false notions about how to fight obesity.  They propagate lies about diets, exercise, and healthy eating.  All of their proposed curing methods are false.
The truth is, you don’t need to eat.  Eating three balanced meals?  A day?  Do not listen to this big government propaganda.  We humans are strong; we do not need anyone or anything’s assistance to ensure our survival, let alone supposedly healthy protein and fiber.  Do you know that they put in those ingredients?  Mind-controlling drugs.  That’s how they get us to eat more food.  Vitamins may be even worse than the obesity epidemic itself.  They are a surefire way to find yourself dead in the morning.  Food is laced with disease-causing bacteria.  The safest way to avoid these plagues is to not eat food.  If you listen to the scientists and try fighting obesity with a diet, you will only bring yourself a headache.  They are just feeding you bologna, in both senses of the word.  And please do not eat bologna; it is the worst of the foods, which are already pretty malicious.
In conclusion, there is only one solution to the obesity crisis:  avoid all food.  It is not the types or quantity of food that causes obesity, it is the nature of the food itself.  Obesity will come, whether you like it or not.  And I should hope that you would not.  It is the malady of the 21st century, and it works awfully hard to maintain that title.  Stop eating, or prepare to surrender to obesity.

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