Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Parenting Advice

I like giving advice.  Especially when it's funny.  And nonsensical.  And probably wrong.  But you never know, you might find a few gems worth keeping (or selling).

            Life is hard.  Making a new life is even harder.  Raising that life is the hardest.  So to help you new parents in your struggles, I have compiled a scientist/educator/religious mentor-approved list of key pieces of advice for raising excellent children.  My goal is to share my expert knowledge with those who are not as wise in the ways of childrearing.  Many people claim that you need to have kids to tell others how to raise them.  That is simply not true.  I do not have children, but it is easy for me to tell you how to raise your own offspring.  If you would like to dispute any item on this list, please do not contact me.  Also, do not contact my supervisor, my spouse, or my dog.  Especially my dog—he hates getting mail (and the mailman hates giving it to him).  If you would like to have respectful, smart, funny, athletic, handsome children, follow this advice:

-Shower your children with kisses, presents, and water.

-Do unto them as you would do unto yourself.  In layman’s terms, don’t spank them because you would never want to be spanked.  Unless you’re into that sort of thing.

-A kid in the hand is worth two in the bush.  This means keeping track of your kids counts a lot more than losing them in shrubbery.

-Scissors beats paper.  Paper beats rock.  Rock beats scissors.  Whining kid because they lost the game beats all of these.

-A crying baby doesn’t mean anything.  So just ignore it.  It doesn’t know the difference anyway.

-Lullabies are creepy.  So don’t sing them.  Unless you’re creepy.

-Never forgo food.  And I’m not talking about your kid here, I’m talking about feeding yourself.

-Baby food is not food.

-Three hours of sleep is called a nap.  So get some real sleep.  But after you finish reading my advice, of course.

-Your child is as smart as the other child genius.

-Name your child something that he or she will be able to spell.  Also, something that the rest of the world will be able to spell.

-If your baby is still crying, maybe you should do something about it now.

-Hope that your baby’s first word isn’t its last.

-The solution to a loose tooth is a hammer.

-Multiplication tables are man’s true enemy.  Sun Tzu said, “Know your enemy.”  Therefore, you must teach your children multiplication tables.

-Picky eaters shouldn’t be able to pick their friends, pick their nose, or pick their teammates in kickball.  You should only be allowed to pick so much.

-Don’t let your kids make excuses.  But by all means, you can make them.

-Everything you say your children will repeat.  I take that back.  Everything you say that’s negative, hurtful, rude, abusive, or crude, your children will repeat.

-3 out of 5 isn’t too bad.

-My last piece of advice:  Only get your parenting advice from real parents.  Or qualified experts like me.

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