This
is a sad story. That’s the
truth. I just wanted to get that
out there before you got your expectations up. Still, it might be funny. But the humor will only serve to distract from the
overarching melancholy. It’s more
melancholy that a colic melon. And
that’s saying a lot.
But
this is also a happy story. What,
you thought tales could only contain one emotion? That’s flat of you.
Well this yarn is just as happy as it is sad. You might even say that, overall, it’s medium.
Enough
about abstract emotions for a plot that you don’t even know and characters to
whom you haven’t been introduced.
Let’s get into the nitty-gritty, also known as the actual story:
The
Hoity-Toity were an unusual species.
They were yellow-bodied, red-armed, blue-tongued, and green-eared. Their necks reached up into the sky,
but their hands barely left their shoulders. Their toes were shaped like crescent moons, and their eyes
were tiny cubes. The Hoity-Toity
were full of contradictions, which they either outright ignored or ignorantly
missed outright. They walked with
their noses perpetually high in the air.
Some think they did this because they could be snooty and stuck up,
while others believe it was to aid their acute sense of smell, which even
allowed them to determine the direction of due north, which greatly aided them
in their travels.
Across
the Sea of Speculation, home to the ever-inquisitive Lobsters of Learning and
the optimistic Belugas of Bliss, lived another peculiar species. One can argue that all creatures are
absurd in their own right, but this class of beings were truly outlandishly
weird. They were the Hoi Polloi,
and they were like nothing you had ever seen. In fact, they were like nothing anyone had seen, because no
one had ever laid eyes on them before.
The
Hoi Polloi, as they had named themselves with others following suit, had two
heads, one on each foot, which were attached to their arms, which came out of
their bellybuttons, which were found on each kneecap, which were still normally
attached to their legs, which began on the hands and connected to the
head. A pretzel might be called to
mind, but those are more ordered than the Hoi Polloi physique, and tastier to
boot. They were translucent, so
they took on the colors of their environment. This was not a camouflage survival technique (as you’ll
remember, nothing had ever seen them), but merely a result of nonsensical
evolution. Nonsensical evolution
could explain a lot about the Hoi Polloi, such as their developed sixth
sense: the ability to perceive
when autumn leaves changed colors, without the use of sight. Despite all these unique traits, the
one thing that defined them best was their self-seclusion. As a result, they were the only ones
who knew about their bizarre, see-through skin and oddly assembled bodies. Only they knew the true them, and them
were content with they.
Unlike
the Hoi Polloi, for whom it would be an understatement to say they were creatures
of isolation, the Hoity-Toity were social beings at best, and needy animals at
worst. They not only enjoyed
seeing and talking with other creatures, but also depended on it. By that I mean that it was their form
of sustenance: small talk provided
their vitamins, philosophical quandaries their protein, and heated debates
their carbohydrates. Without
social interactions, the Hoity-Toity would perish. They sought out diverse forms of nutrition to vary their
diet, as any sensible sentient being would, so they constantly went on voyages
to discover and interact with new species. Sometimes their resulting conversations were enlightening;
other times the diseases they brought killed the discovered species. Needless to say, those discussions were
never cordial.
One
day, a member of the Hoity-Toity woke up to find a large lump on its lanky
neck. After calling on the doctor,
it received the report that it was suffering from dull dialogue and must seek
new experiences immediately or suffer the consequences. The diseased Hoity-Toity did not know
where to go; it had already visited the Cape of Conundrum, the Peak of Paradox,
the roaming Hills of Highfalutin, and even, in a fit of helplessness, the Bay
of Boredom. The doctor had no new
suggestions, for those were typical places sick Hoity-Toity went to for
rejuvenation with nutritious conversing.
Before they could brainstorm a new place, the doctor was called away.
That
day, the head Hoity-Toity doctor visited fifty sick fellow creatures (for
reference, there were only 150 in existence), each suffering from an enflamed
neck. When your neck is seven feet
long, any swelling is unbearable.
He prescribed all fifty the same cure: fresh conversation in a novel locale. And all complained of the same issue: they had been everywhere and knew not
where to travel next. An emergency
executive meeting of the highest-ranking Hoity-Toity was called, with the
agenda to locate a suitable environment for curing a third of their population. The leader of the moment (they randomly
switched rulers every third week or so) determined that they would send the ill
Hoity-Toity on a seafaring vessel to the end of the world. If they couldn’t find compelling
conversation on the journey, then they deserved to die of lack of supplies on
the return trip. Surely there was
some undiscovered group that could pique their interest enough to provide
essential nutrition.
Within
the week, the fifty bored Hoity-Toity crammed themselves onto a boat and set
sail for the world’s farthest reaches.
Salvation could not come soon enough for them.
The
opposite could be said for the Hoi Polloi. They were content to be known by only their own kind. It might be boring at times, but it was
safe. For these benevolent,
physically twisted creatures, safety was the top priority. Fortunately, this was easy to maintain
since they did not ever come in contact with anyone else. The only causes of death in the Hoi
Polloi community were old age, the occasional rockslide, a rare lightning
strike, and boredom. Despite this
last fatal reminder of mortality, they still viewed tedium as a necessary evil. If a few of them died each year from
ennui, there were countless others who survived only because of the monotonous
nature of their lives. Their knees
might be connected to their bellybuttons, but they still knew that the path to
safety was staying where they were.
Fortunately for the Hoi Polloi,
they loved in-depth discussions of the nature of the world, no matter how
limited their knowledge of it was.
The talked about why the moon is white (because there’s a floating disc
behind it that is white; all things must be translucent since they are), why
grass grows up instead of down (their deceased ancestors buried in the ground
were pushing the sprouts up), and how the rain makes things wet (raindrops suck
out dryness). The Hoi Polloi were
wrong about all these things, but did it matter, as long as their ideas held a
consistent logic? Either way,
their philosophical thinking could not be stranger than their abnormally
arranged bodies. Everything was
rational in their world; it flowed, made logical sense, and kept them safe. The content of their lives made them
content, so the Hoi Polloi did nothing.
And that was fine.
But it was not fine for the
Hoity-Toity. Their voyage across
the Sea of Speculation led them past islands, bayous, fjords, and
archipelagos. Geographical wonders
abounded, yet the newly appointed sailors could not find any new debate
partners. They had exhausted all
conversation options, and were becoming exhausted themselves from a combination
of boating and lack of sustenance.
That was when they reached the end of the world.
But it wasn’t the end of the
world. It was the home of the Hoi
Polloi. And the home of the Hoi
Polloi would never be the same.
The peaceful Hoi Polloi spotted the
approaching ships only moments before they docked. They knew not what would exit these vessels, as they had
never seen any other species before.
They imagined the visitors would be identical to themselves, because
their minds could not process someone who looked different. The naïve beings also hoped that the
newcomers were just like them; the repercussions of something otherwise did not
sound remotely appetizing.
Back with the Hoity-Toity, they
were eagerly anticipating some appetizing dialogue. A few words that would pleasurably enter their digestive
tracts. A new syntax that would
provide a needed pep in their step.
The fifty sick creatures exited their boats, stretching their red limbs
after their cramped journey. They
stepped onto the beach, just as the Hoi Polloi did the same.
The Hoity-Toity and the Hoi Polloi
representatives froze.
They stared.
One juvenile Hoi Polloi started to
move forward, but after a glare from its elders, refroze in place.
A particularly sick Hoity-Toity
coughed. It couldn’t help the urge
due to a tickle in its throat.
This was the first noise they made to each other. Not a particularly pleasant sound, but
an audible signal nonetheless. A
few Hoi Polloi coughed in response.
This was followed by a grouping of Hoity-Toity coughing. Soon, all parties were engaged in
consuming coughing fits. Was this
communication? It certainly didn’t
meet the Hoity-Toity’s nutrition guidelines, but for the Hoi Polloi, this interaction
was not half bad.
“Hello,” said the self-decided
leader of the traveling Hoity-Toity.
The Hoi Polloi looked back
confusedly. They didn’t understand
what it said. All of the other
languages of the world had merged except for the Hoi Polloi’s, since they
remained isolated. Therefore, they
were ignorant of other cultures’ linguistic progression.
The head Hoity-Toity tried
again. “Greetings.” Nothing. “What’s up?”
Blank stares. “Good
morning.” Even more confusion.
The Hoity-Toity huddled together
and murmured to themselves.
Without a speaking partner, they certainly wouldn’t be able to meet
their nutrition needs. So much for
a healthy recovery.
In the midst of their debate about
how to progress, a Hoity-Toity felt a tap on its shoulder. It turned around to see a Hoi Polloi
with arms, which came out of its bellybuttons and had feet attached, outstretched. This confusing sight was amplified by
the fact that the limbs were translucent, and therefore resembled the trees in
the background. Before the
Hoity-Toity could react, most likely by recoiling, the Hoi Polloi had wrapped
its arms around the visitor. This
was either a hug or the friendliest self-defense move imaginable.
A hush fell across the two
populations. They waited eagerly
and nervously for the next move.
Then the Hoity-Toity hugged its new companion back. A cheer erupted from both sides of the
beach.
Soon all the Hoity-Toity were
pairing up with Hoi Polloi to offer embraces. With the initial icebreaking greeting out of the way, the
two species began animatedly, yet silently, gesticulating to each other. This would have been an odd sight to
any onlookers. Two bizarre
creatures wildly waving their appendages in seeming conversation. Indeed, it was odd for those
involved. But they didn’t care,
for they were each having the most engaging discussions in their lives. Never before had they been so present, so
happy, and so involved in speaking (even when the talking was tacit).
The sick Hoity-Toity began to
regain the colors they had lost to their maladies. The reds, yellows, blues, and greens of their various body
parts had never looked so vivid.
The Hoi Polloi remained transparent, of course.
After further gesture-exclusive
discussions about their place in the world (front and center), why the sun goes
out at night (the wind blows it out), and the meaning of life (needless to say,
it is an adjective), it was time for the Hoity-Toity to depart. They were satiated with excellent, meaningful,
and novel conversation. More
importantly, they were healed. The
head Hoity-Toity asked via arm motions if a Hoi Polloi representative would
return on their vessel. After some
deliberation about the merits of this, the latter declined, waving its
foot-tipped arms to signify that, while this interaction had been nice, they
would prefer to maintain their secluded lives. However, they extended an open invitation for the
Hoity-Toity to visit again.
Saddened by their new friends’
decline, but gladdened by the possibility of another nourishing trip to the end
of the world, the Hoity-Toity regrouped and boarded their seafaring
vessel. They began their return
trip home with new companions behind them, stories to tell in front of them,
and nutritious verbs and nouns inside in their stomachs.
They had just had the best
conversations of their lives, and it was silence.
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