Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Side Effect Pill

It's time for a sequel!  This is a follow-up story to last month's "Childproof Bottle."  Read on for more wacky (and questionably pointless) inventions!

            “Hello.  Thank you for letting me come and speak about my revolutionary new product, the Side Effect Pill.  I hope by the end of this pitch you will see the benefits of investing in this fantastic pharmaceutical invention.”
            “Wait.  Didn’t we see you last week?”
            “Uh, no…It must’ve been my…uh, brother.  Anyway, have you ever wanted a surefire way to not have to go to work?”
            “Sure, all the time.  Like right now.”
            “Have you ever wanted to skip work by being sick?”
            “Not by actually being sick.  What an idiotic id—”
            “Well fear no more! I’d like to introduce the Side Effect Pill, a guaranteed way to not feel good.  Want to skip the bronchitis but get the unrelated nausea?  The Pill can do it!  Want to vomit without getting the flu and taking its medicine?  The Pill can do it!”
            “And what if we don’t want any of those things?”
            “Then you don’t know what you’re missing.  Trust me, this Pill works like a charm.  Once you start, you’ll never look at disease the same.  Sickness is a thing of the past.  It’s outdated, unneeded, and a hassle.  The Side Effect Pill takes away all your worries by giving you the same sick feeling you get from medicine without the complications disease can often bring.”
            “What if we want to feel healthy?”
            “Well we all know that’s not possible.  Stop fooling yourself and accept that life just doesn’t feel good.  And life never feels truer than when you take the Side Effect Pill.”
            “How can you call yourself an inventor?”
            “Easy.  I’m an inventor.  There, I did it.  It’s just English, really.  Not too ha—”
            “I know what the Side Effect Pill does.  It wastes time.”
            “No, it actually doesn’t.  Have you ever heard of an antibiotic that wastes time as a side effect of curing your sickness?  What an absurd idea.  How can you call yourself an investor?”
            “I’m getting a headache.”
            “You went through all that effort to get a headache?  With my invention, getting a headache is simpler than ever.  Pop one Pill and you instantly feel the random aches come on.  It’s hassle free!”
            “Sir, we need to ask you to leave right now.  You’re wasting our time.  Again.”
            “Are you feeling dizzy from madness?  You shouldn’t have to get mad to feel vertigo.  The Side Effect Pill can give you the same result without the worry.  Guaranteed!”
            “I want you to guarantee that you’ll never come back here.”
            “Fine, fine, I’ll leave.  But I’ll be back to tell you all about my—”
            “Leave.  Now.  We don’t have time for this nonsense.”
            “Don’t worry, I can give you more time!  It’s easy with my latest invention, the Time Un-Waster.”

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