Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Butt-less Dialing

The power of marketing is a scary thing.  You never know what those pesky advertisers will throw at you next.  It could even be something like this.

The Future Is Now
Tired of dialing on your phone using your butt?  Ever wish there was an easier way to punch in numbers?  Well now there is!  With our groundbreaking phone, you’ll never have to butt-dial again!

Advanced Options
With integrated Butt-less™ technology, you can use other parts of your body to dial, such as your ears or fingers.  Our test market research has shown dialing precision has increased by 300% with this simple shift.

Less Butts, More Love
With Butt-less Dialing™, you’ll never have to be embarrassed telling your girlfriend that you actually didn’t mean to call her.  Or you won’t have to make up a conversation on the spot so it didn’t seem like you called her by accident.  Either way, our phone technology is sure to save many relationships.

Butt-dialing has been proven to decrease the battery life of your phone, due to unnecessary and unwanted outgoing calls.  Now that you can dial with your nose or fingers, you’ll only make the calls you want to make.  The trees are thanking you already!

Thought Sensitive Touch Screen
Based on our in-depth research, we have learned that one of the main culprits of butt-dialing is touching the phone.  Therefore, we designed our phone to work around that issue.  Our phone’s touch screen is so advanced you don’t even have to touch it!  Sync your brain to the phone with BrainSync™ and you’ll never* have to worry about accidental butt-dials again!

*Touch screen still responds to touch, so butt-dialing may occur if not careful.

Data Access
Tired of bringing your phone to the Internet?  This phone is the first to bring the Internet to your phone.  Our technology takes web access to the next level so you’ll never be dependent on network speeds outside your control again.  With CelluNet™, the Internet is inside your phone.  Literally.  Data rates are infinite because the phone has full access to the web, which is neatly situated between your battery pack and antenna.  Upload waits are inexistent, because we have eliminated the gap between the Internet and you.  For the first time ever, You are the Internet™.

For All Generations
Butt-less™ technology is backwards compatible, so for you hard-core butt-dialers afraid of the future, you don’t have to change…yet.

Don’t Wait
You don’t want to be the last one on the metaphorical block to pick up this groundbreaking technology.  When you get your next phone, make sure it’s marked with the Butt-less™ seal.  Remember, you won’t want it if it’s Butt-less-less.

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