Horrific Folktales of the Turkeys: Red Wattle

While this story doesn't connect to today's holiday, it's never a bad time to learn more about the turkey culture.  So enjoy this tale, and happy holidays!

The Selfish Shellfish

I may not be able to eat shellfish (allergies), but that can't stop me from writing about them. And I might even throw in a moral or two.

Veggie Children

I've always believed that plants have feelings.  Well, not really, but let's pretend for a moment that they do.  Pretend, and (actually) enjoy the tale!

Signs

We are programmed to obey signs, for better or for worse.  They usually help keep us safe, but sometimes they're just there to mess with us.  Such is the case for this list of inexistent road signs.  Let's hope it stays that way.

Food Stories: Yellow 7

We put some wonderful things in our food.  Like vegetables.  And preservatives.  And vitamins.  And additives.  And protein.  And food dye.

Turkey Tom Meets Farmer Brown

Thanksgiving is not a holiday for the faint of heart.  Or at least this version of the scrumptious day isn't...Enjoy the harrowing turkey tale, and have a happy Thanksgiving!

Along Came Thaddeus

There's never a bad time for a poem, as I always say!  And it's even better when it has alliteration.  Wait, this poem fits both of those statements?  Well, what do you know?

Mission Log

Sometimes, when the problems here on Earth seem overwhelming, it helps to take a step back and evaluate how serious it really is.  Or a giant leap back in this case, and take a look at the issues happening in space.

Rapunzel

I really don't have anything against fairy tale princesses.  Okay, maybe I do...

A Letter to My Beloved

Who said robots don't have feelings? As long as they're not feelings of desire to take over the world, I think they can be good.  Like this robot's.

Ten 10 Word Stories

Who wants more nonsense?  Here is a brief collection of even briefer stories.  Some are based solely on word play, and others are just silly concepts.  Happy reading--it won't take you long.

Sodium, So Do You

It's time for a nonsense poem!  These are always the hardest to give an explanation to, since there's nothing really to explain.  I'll finish this intro by giving my ever thanks to the late Shel Silverstein.  Enjoy!

Crunch

Sometimes the little things seem like the biggest.  The most inconsequential sound gets on our nerves, the most minuscule aberration threatens to ruin our peace of mind. Sometimes it's justified, sometimes it's not. Sometimes it is.

Parenting Advice

I like giving advice.  Especially when it's funny.  And nonsensical.  And probably wrong.  But you never know, you might find a few gems worth keeping (or selling).

My Sister Ate My Homework

Everybody's starting school back up, and with school comes the dreaded homework.  As bad as it can be, hopefully it doesn't end up like it does in this poem.

Apples and Oranges

Most people only know of a few main Founding Fathers of the United States, but the fact remains that there were many more great early politicians that helped begin this nation.  Like Button Gwinnett.  But sometimes even the most insightful intellectual misses the ball.  The apple may fall on his head...and the only thing he discovers is a bruise.

Leslie

There's something fascinating about trolls.  Something that makes them fun to write about.  I guess they're pretty versatile, so you can toss them in a variety of situations.  Well, that's certainly what I did in this short yarn.  Enjoy!

My Son, the Corn

As we all know, there is a terrible drought currently ravaging the U.S.  I wrote a poem about it.

Food Stories: Custard's Last Stand

In this short story, the unthinkable happens.  A town's worst nightmares are realized.  They question whether life is still worth living.  Don't let the pun in the title fool you; this tale is full of woe and sorrow.  So enjoy!

Off-Off-Off Broadway

Another contender for the blog's "nonsense" category.  In preparation for school starting back up for many people, I've imagined what I think could be a very educational class.  If only any of it were real...

Food Stories: Tran's Fat

This is the first in a collection I'm calling "Food Stories."  The various tales won't have anything to do with each other, other than that they'll probably/hopefully/somehow all relate to food (loosely defined here).  The first in this collection is a little anecdote about an unfortunate man.

Bath-Os

After a 6-parter, it's time to take a little break...Not by taking a week off, of course, but by giving you something completely different!  If this food product existed, this is definitely how I would market it.

The Book - Part VI

Another summertime, multi-part story comes to a close. With the conclusion, we must say goodbye to dear Mr. Callahan and fair Mr. Smyth. But don't get too nostalgic yet, because you still have to read the last installment! So read on!

The Book - Part V

The penultimate double set of stories as part of "The Book" is here!  Read on to learn more about Mr. Smyth and Mr. Callahan's continued escapades, plus get a bonus connected story.  What a deal!

The Book - Part IV

"The Book" continues.  Need I say more?  Yeah, I probably should...How about:  enjoy the latest installment!  (Of course, I could say more, but then I'd start to give away crucial plot points.  And when it's a short story, that would be the worst.)

The Book - Part III

Here comes the third part of "The Book!"  Where?  Right below these words.  Don't believe me?  Maybe after reading both parts of this installment, you'll decide to listen to my advice.

The Book - Part II

"The Book" continues with the second installment.  Now with more hilarity and absurdity in every bite!  Aaaand...go.

The Book - Part I

It's time for another multi-part story!  But don't worry, this isn't your traditional chapter book.  No, for this longer tale, each post will consist of two sections.  What exactly do I mean?  You'll just have to read (each week) to find out.  Enjoy the first installment!

Epithelial Epithets

Everyone has feelings.  Even aliens.  So before you converse with any extraterrestrials and accidentally insult one of them, please read this complete and official list of potentially harmful terminology.  I'm not only concerned about the aliens' self-esteem; I also want to protect Earth from being invaded.  You've been warned.

Albi the Wizard & Theo the Mage - Part III

Here it is: the grand conclusion to my saga of two magicians. Will the dragon be caught? Will Albi and Theo stay best friends? Read on, and enjoy!

Albi the Wizard & Theo the Mage - Part II

The story of two magical folk continues with the exciting second part.  More wizards, more dragons, more comical suspense!  Read on, enjoy, and come back next week for the finale!

Albi the Wizard & Theo the Mage - Part I

Who can resist a good fantasy story?  Kings, magicians, and dragons have all passed the tests of time.  But will they survive my tale?  Stay tuned for the the second part of the trilogy next week!

Mother Goose's Bad Day

How can nursery rhymes always be so upbeat and positive?  Surely the writers must have had some slip-ups once in a while.  So without further ado, here are some children's rhymes that didn't make the cut.

A Treatise on Obesity

Every generation faces a strong enemy.  What is ours?  Obesity.  Read on to learn about my solution.

Observations

This post (another member of the "other nonsense" category of this blog) is exactly what the title makes it out to be.  But with my own linguistic twist.  Let the insight begin!

Confessions of a Sarcastic Remark

What if sarcasm could tell us how it truly feels?  Well, you might not want to know what it thinks.  Or you can read this post anyway!

The Eggman

It's time for another poem!  I don't think this post is as absurd as last week's dialogue...well, it's probably equally as absurd, just in a different way.  Enjoy the rhymes!

Inanity

This short script is my take on absurdist fiction.  I'm pretty sure it's both absurd and fictional, so I think I succeeded.  Have fun reading!  (Tip:  reading it out loud might help.)

A Princess Story - Part II

Here it is, the epic conclusion to "A Princess Story."  How will it end?  Only one way to find out.

A Princess Story - Part I

And here goes year number 2!  I'm going to open this year with a two-parter, a story about a princess.  I don't need to say any more; the story will explain the rest.  Happy reading, and come back next week for the conclusion!

Bartholomew Templeton is Dead

This is it!  The 52nd post on Linguistic Gimmicks!  For a full year, Tuesdays have been graced with new stories, poems, and other nonsense (as you can see by the blog's title).  Quite to my own surprise, not a single Tuesday has been missed.  I'd like to thank you for reading this past year.  After all, I've been posting these stories for people to see!


To celebrate this important event, this week's post is a sort of retrospective.  It is also the fourth entry in the Bartholomew Templeton saga (all equally unrelated).  So enjoy this story, thanks for reading, and keep coming back as the blog begins year number two!

Ode to the Dial-Up Modem

Well, dear readers, we've almost reached an important milestone.  Next week marks a year that I've been posting stories, poems, and other nonsense to this blog.  But we'll wait for the full nostalgia until the momentous day next Tuesday.  In the meantime, treat yourself to a small helping of reminiscing with this poem.

Working Title

Prepare yourself to enter the world behind the scenes of books.  Read on, and discover the true nature of the publishing world.

My Diary

I've never actually written a diary.  But if I had (and I were a superhero), it might be something like this.  Might.

Butt-less Dialing

The power of marketing is a scary thing.  You never know what those pesky advertisers will throw at you next.  It could even be something like this.

A Poem for You

Happy Valentine's Day!  In continuing with the tradition of posting stories related to holidays (see my Hanukkah story), here's a poem related to this holiday of love and greeting cards.


In other writing news, after a short hiatus, I have another story up on North by Northwestern!  You can read it here.  Thanks for reading!

Erroneous Monk

I'm very excited to finally share this story with the world.  I'm not going to say more for fear of spoiling it, so read on and enjoy!

Spelling Bea

This poem may be one of the most challenging (for both the reader and myself) things I've written so far, so I'm excited to share it!  Throughout the poem, I've used the past 31 winning words from the National Spelling Bee.  Warning: dictionary may be required.

Idioms Anonymous

I enjoy playing with language, as I'm sure my faithful readers have been able to tell.  This short script is the reverse:  it lets language itself play.  Enjoy the post, and I hope you never use these phrases the same way again!

Gefilte

Many moons have passed since the first telling of the story of Atlantis.  How many moons?  Well, enough to make it time for the sequel!  Grandpa is back to tell the story of the origin of gefilte fish.  Bon appétit!

Last Thoughts

I don't write many pieces in the first person, so when I do, it's a momentous occasion.  I don't know much about Greek mythology, so when I use it, it's a momentous occasion.  This story is momentous.  No more to say.

Fables for the 21st Century and Beyond: The Dog and Its Reflection

It's a new year, so what better time than now to learn another lesson?  That means it's time for another parable for this era!  I hope you enjoy (and listen.  And learn.).